whats left to say?

a rebel's romance

2008-04-05T23:19:54Z

it took place at a folk festival in eugene. summer of 2007.

chris, a traveling boy, and i were watching some bands with some of our friends on a bridge.

but then i dropped my hat off the side of the bridge. chris went with me to retrieve it. and there we found some friendly faces, some of which were in the band we were just watching. we all became quick friends and we smoked and drank more together... and played more music. it was a merry time.

the water looked inviting, it was a warm day... we decided to wade in the water of the flowing river, hand in hand.

we then went back to shore for more drinks and to socialize a bit more.

then back out into the water we went together. we were caught in the bliss of a beautiful day with wonderful people. sharing our love with one another, we told each other sweet things. kept each other from falling. we were nothing but smiles, even as we kissed.

We then found a ball floating downstream. we caught it and played with it then brought it back to shore to show our new friends.

Then we bonded a little more with the rest of the lovely people under the bridge.

and that is where the pictures end. the rest of the day and night were something else.

heres some advice.

2007-05-13T04:34:54Z

JUST. SAY. NO.

i need a smoke.

2007-05-13T04:28:20Z

i sit here and watch the clock tick
behind a half empty bottle of perrier sparkling natural mineral water.
and im just thinking.
about how sick and tired i am of watching the people that i care most about,
throw their lifes away.
i just cant sit back and watch them do this to themselves.
it makes me sick to my stomach, and my head wont give it a rest either.
and im not about to lecture, because im sure they wont listen.
but at the same time, i cant just keep my mouth shut.
i just wish there was a way to get through to them.
i have decided...
to get past that stage in my life.
and the majority of my friends arent making it any easier for me.
i mean, its been a good couple of weeks since ive fed my slow motion suicide.

so my plan is to go earn some money.
pack my bags.
and ditch this joint.
i plan to be out of here by the end of summer.

ps. im in the process of quitting smoking as well.

fehhh.

2007-04-16T10:14:18Z

i find myself holding my breath while reading some of my old entries, as well as my friend's. gahhh so much has changed. so much has happened. so much will never be the same.

the breakup.

2007-01-12T01:02:30Z

It was officially over the day before thanksgiving, two thousand six.
I became a single girl.
I ended it for good, and told him to make sure we kept it that way.
it was fairly mutual.
the hardest part, was letting go completely.
his words, although i didnt believe them... i think had me holding on to some hope.
"i still love you. I still care about you... I dont want to break up, im not ready. but i feel like this is the most ready i will ever be...." that was bullshit.
but some of his actions made it that much easier for me to move on with my life.
actions i dont even care to speak of.
i find it funny... the day before the end of us, he was begging for me back.
i was a coward and took him back, only to be let down again.
i couldnt handle it, i broke a plate, and he broke a promise.
but looking back at it, although there are times where i think i miss him.
i KNOW that it was for the best. i have never been happier.
hes dating that one.... thing.
good for them, you know?
i have moved on as well.
lets just hope to god they dont reproduce.
im glad i am taking my distance from him.
and i can honestly say i want nothing to do with him.
there are still some songs. bands that i cant listen to.
within time i think i will fully be able to regain my life.
make new memories with the songs that used to matter.
i may seem bitter right now, but its just how i feel.

i could write in detail, what happened. but its not necessary.
maybe you, being the one reading it, from my point of view...
would be more understanding, of the words i am typing.
its not that i hate him. im just deeply dissappointed.
and i have figured out that i was in love with the old corey.
the one that i fell in love with is so differant from what he is now.
and i hope some day we can see eye to eye again.
but no promises.
ive looked into those eyes for over a year.
the same eyes that carried through some of the toughest parts of my life so far.
and i think its time i let them be a part of my past.
i hate these phases i go through.

im my own person now.
more independent.
more myself.
not worrying about who is judging.
what others would think.
and more in love with life than i have ever been....

when its over.

2006-10-21T02:58:51Z

I asked him if he really loved me.
he replied, "of course i love you."
So I asked him, how was he sure he loved me?
he said "I guess you never really know. But I think I do."
So I asked him one more question, "Do I make your heart beat faster?"
he answered this like he was so certain. "Slower. You make my heart beat slower."
at first i wasnt sure how to take this. but then i realized. it makes sense.

I was kind of worried because I realized he didnt make my heart beat any faster, I rarely felt those fluttery creatures in my tummy. There were days where he just knew ever little perfect thing to do. Down to the look, the touch and the kiss. But those little things that he used to do, werent happening anymore. He used to sheild my eyes from things he knew would make my heart drop. He used to protect me. I was afraid our love was fading. But I know that I will always love him. He will forever be a part of me. He has taught me so much and showed me so much. I think we have both grown as people within these last 9-10 months. Today is our 9th month anniversary. He chose not to really care. But now we are working our way to being just friends. It was really my descision. But we both saw it coming. I know its for the best, but its really, very hard. I love that boy. So much.

He realized that I had been coming to peace with the fact we wouldnt be together forever, and that things just arent going to work out for a little while now.

The truth is, i knew it was over when he told me to stop smiling when we kissed.

i am freaking out.

2006-10-18T00:40:50Z

i honestly dont know what to do anymore.
i really dont.

i crave cancer.

2006-10-02T01:22:22Z

no love.

2006-09-15T05:31:12Z

damn.

come bring me a glass of wine.
no, NO. make that a big ass damn BOTTLE of wine.
maybe you could pick some flowers on the way?
i will sneak you into my room.
just dont make a sound.
come on.

if only you knew what was going through my head.
does your heart beat faster?
why do you love me?
why am i loved?!?
i could use a best friend.
i mean, i have [best]friends, they are just never there.
but who wants to listen to me anyways?

ugh.
ugh.ugh.ugh._____s
ugh._______________p
____________________lat.

to my friends:
im sorry i have been such a let-down.
i know, i know.
somebody needs to force me.
make me get out there.
im lacking motivation.
and i feel he is letting me go,
while holding me down.
do you understand?
i dont mean to.
but it is my fault.
just dont give up on me yet.
dont forget about me.
i will be there.
just give me some time.
i will come out when i am ready.
and i feel that time is near.
i would love to see you again.
i miss you.

fucktard.

2006-09-15T01:33:11Z

what is happening to us?

passion, passion.

2006-08-25T04:52:28Z

im in love with a boy.

i need a good beer.
and a cheap ciggarette.
or maybe its the other way around.

Europe was a semi-awful experience.
but beautiful all the same.

its nice to be back.
slightly overwhelming.
when i first got into the states i felt foreign.
i could barely even recognize my own life.

i have an amazing boyfriend.
too bad we got busted.
but i think the hardest part is over.
for now.
i guess it was a good ice-breaker.
a reality check for them.
and us.

figuring out what i am going to do with my life makes me tired.

oh my god... shit damn fuck... fuck...

2006-01-05T04:52:03Z

so you know when someone, not just someone but your best friend that youve known since you can remember... that you love and care about, catches you off gaurd with something...(shocking, unexpected, not good, kinda scary, i dunno, insert word here for me, im speechless)?

um yeah. im worried. im speechless. im shaking. im crying. i dunno what to do. all i want to do is give her a big hug and tell her everything is gonna be ok... im here for you... i love you... i love you.... i still love you...

♥

burnmyshadow @ 2005-12-31T19:56:00

2006-01-05T03:57:08Z

so its been a while since my last post.
not too long, but long enough for some shit to go down.
both the good and the bad kind.

i dont think i ever talked about christmas.
christmas was lame.
christmas eve was lame too.
although there was some really very good food.
But there was also lots of fighting, screaming, crying, smoking, bruises, headaches,broken and torn objects... etc.
good news: i DID get a video camera... and that rocks my world.
i plan on using that lots. capture the moments.
in fact i want to make some documentaries and such...
i have plenty of ideas.

corey was back for the weekend too. so i got to hang out with him for a bit. dont really remember the whole weekend but we hung out with the dogs on christmas eve. watched dawn of the dead on christmas day at night. he made me cheer up a bit :) i think seeing a friend made my holiday much better.

my brothers and i went to ptown to visit my sister and live the city life for the weekend.
dani and i went clubbing at escape, it was alright. hopefully will be better next time. We also got invited to some guy named Hollywood's birthday this weekend. its at the club escape. Who wants to come with?

chain chain chaiiiiiiiin

2005-12-27T10:37:52Z

hmmm yeah. so i think im addicted. no, i am addicted. fuck me.

bad nicole.

that wasnt from today.... but um yeah. you get the point.

remember popeye?

2005-12-06T09:23:08Z

whats there to say about a day like today? it started out like any other monday. wake up to someone literally banging my door down, screaming... "nicole get up right now, are you awake? are you listening to me? you know what time it is? its 715. you dont have time to get ready. come on. I dont understand you kids.. you realize your goin nowhere with your life if you keep this up? ..something about needing to learn responsibilities... yadayadayada blah blah blah." i stagger out of bed with a groan and begin to get ready for my day... slowly. i pop in some tunes to give me a jumpstart and im off to school. i get to sewing class, find myself staring into space from the moment i sit down at my machine. i was about to just leave, but then decide to wait a few more minutes and whip out my book so i dont look like some loser with nothing to do. when kels finally walked in, i suddenly drop my book and suggest we leave. im such a bad person. thankfully, the same thing was on her mind (as our great minds always tend to think alike) so we head over to the canned foods store to meet kyle. we get some breakfast items and eggnog and head to his place. once we got to kyles, we find that there is no milk left for our cereal. so what do we do? we put the eggnog, yes eggnog into our lucky charm-like cereal instead. it was disgusting. it reminded me of the time i mixed cooking rum and eggnog together, thinkin it would be easier to swallow. i was wrong. kelsey said it reminded her of vomit. and kyle threw in the idea of it being cum. regardless we all ate what was in our bowls, and even had seconds. without eggnog. After the delightful breakfast, kelsey left and kyle and i watched some popeye and other classic cartoons. like superman, felix and uhhh i dont remember what else. ive decided felix is a sweetheart with an unexpected highpitched voice, superman is a dick with a cool themesong and catch phrase type things and popeye just rocks a whole lot. its silly how whenever popeye is caught up in a mess he literally squeezes a can of spinach out of his body and it flies into his mouth. hes too cool. and his "sweetheart" olive oil is a ditz. its funny. oh and this mornin at the canned foods place, we came across this:

coincidence? i think not. anyways, eventualy i went back for d block after kinda falling asleep on kyle's futon.green/purple shizaka does that to ya, i suppose. college writing d block was ok. i kinda walked in a bit late. we are supposed to start studying a poet thats published. i want to find a contemparary, edgy... makes you think because of its deep words type of poet. if you have any recommendations, lemme know. on a happy note, once i got home i took a nap and then had homemade lasagna for dinner. mmm mm good. my mom got tipsy from some wine and my dad had major mood swings. and now here i am restless again writing about the highpoints of my fairly uneventful day. ok. im done. g'night lovelys.